angelic_ana

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 14:53:41 GMT

So yesterday I completed a full 24 hour water fast. I sadly had to end it though cause my bf wanted to take me out to dinner... But fasting again from dinner last night till he decides to have me eat again. I love feeling empty like this. I ate a LOT less then normal at dinner last night though and it was all veggies so it was really good and we went running/walking up and down a hill looking for a gas can cause the car ran out of gas on a back road so it all worked out good... Hows everyone else doing?

Created a Pro Ana and Mia site!

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 18:12:49 GMT

So Kirsty and I have created a pro and mia site for everyone to look at. The link is www.freewebs.com/anglcanasandmias we have been working pretty hard on it so feel free to check it out. Introduce your self in the link on the right called support which is the forums. We will be updating OFTEN!

<3 Kelly

2468 who do we apreciate? ANA

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 14:47:03 GMT

Hey everyone so i think i am gonna do a couple rounds of 2468. So I figured hey why not ask everyone what they normally eat on the different days so that way maybe I can try eating some different foods that might be better for me anyways. So today is the first day so its obviously a 200 day. I will probably just have some salad with a tad bit of tuna in it around 130 or so and thats it for the day. What do you guys normally eat on a 200 day? 400 day? 600 day? and 800 day? 800 calories is going to make me feel like a giant hippo but it will get my metabolism up and i can remind myself that i dont HAVE to eat that much. Well get back to me girlies and guys.

Stay strong everyone think thin. I love you all with all my heart!

<3 Kelly Marie

Feeling miserable...

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 20:28:09 GMT

So I think I purged my guts out today. I love how its getting easier and easier to purge but I hate how it makes me feel like i can do it more without it doing as much damage. Which I know isnt the truth it just feels like it. I hate how even if I purge everything up I still feel like there is more in there turning to fat. It feels as though my stomach has gotten so much larger and bloated and I dont even know if thats normal or not anymore. I just hate it and love it and wish I could just NOT eat which I can for a certain amount of time but then my body craves carbs like a mother fucker and then i eat them. Then even if its less then a normal person amount I feel like shit and up it goes into the toilet. I hate it but I love it. What the heck is wrong with me?!?!?!

Crushed and Happy

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 14:08:34 GMT

So basically I am crushed and not all at the same time. Ashleigh and I went out and restocked on all of our diet pills and green tea and diuretics and laxatives(yea i know the last isnt the best thing in the world...) so now I have all that stuff plus my vitamins so I shouldnt be getting as dizzy as quickly. The part that crushed me was that I went to go see the guy that I liked and apparently he is with someone else.... I mean there not really ALL that together but I dont know. It just sucks cause I mean we just kinda showed up at his house and he was waiting for her... granted she never showed up but still. It just sucks a LOT. Well it was also a good day because I got to see my aunt and cousin that I havent seen in about 4 years it was really nice. My cousin mandy had her baby 4 months ago and she is absolutely ADORABLE! She has the pillsbury short legs and small feet and you can tell it already. Its adorable. Well I got to get going.

Love
Kelly

Life

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 18:03:26 GMT

So pretty much life is pretty boring right now. I have been watching a bunch of rugby videos getting pumped for the upcoming season. It will be my first year playing with the berserkers instead of just with my sisters college team randomly. I love the sport to death so its not that hard to get pumped. I cant wait till our next meeting! right now though were just trying to build our guys team cause you know the girls up here are so crazy that more girls want to play rugby then guys. I have lost 3.5 pounds and hopefully will continue to loose although I have to eat some stuff in order to stay in shape for rugby. But other then that life is pretty boring been reading Stick Figure, The Best Little Girl In The World, and Insatiable and hanging out with tessa at the library occasionally. It should start to look up as soon as this snow stops coming down and starts to melt so we can practice! Well I am gonna go back to watching more rugby videos and then go and excersize but if anyone needs support just let me know!

Liquid fast

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 15:53:34 GMT

Started a liquid fast today with two amazing girlies from on here. Today is going great I have to make cupcakes later but when I bake I dont get hungry so thats good. I know I wont eat one. They're to fattening and gross for that. They are going to be low cal low fat though cause she is on a diet. Well I am going to go cause I need to put my glass from the cranberry juice in the dishwasher. I will talk to all of you guys later!

<3 Kelly

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 23:51:18 GMT

Ok so fast is gonna be over I think. I had to switch one of the days for ABC diet cause my foster mom says if I dont eat dinner she going to call my doctors. So i am going to eat a little of the rice and 2 slices of carrot and 2 bites of chicken just to satisfy her. But then tomorow its fast again hopefully since no one will be home but me and I am making cupcakes and cupcakes disgust me. I am not eating them though there for my friends birthday that i love to death. There gonna hopefully be non fat though or as low in fat as i can get them cause she is on a diet and has problems with compulsive eating so i dont want her to feel bad about eating her cupcake. I always have felt really bad for her as she has major anxiety disorders and everyone picks on her. Well I got to go now.

<3 Kelly

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 23:11:10 GMT

Something I wrote in therapy.

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 02:05:19 GMT

So today I had a clinical assesment for outpatient therapy. There boosting me up to two days a week. I am kinda upset but its not all about my ed so i guess thats ok. So basically they had me right this thing that was the part of me that was making me "selfharm" and count calories so much and this is what i wrote.... Its that part of me writing to the world about what that part of me is and does....

Perfection and determination are key to lifes success. Concentration and knowledge help to create perfection. But what is Perfection? Perfection is the beautiful 5'5" 99 pound girl who has the most radiant smile and is envied by everyone. She gets good grades and always pleases her parents and everyone else around her to the worlds contempt. I help people achieve this goal of perfection. I help them remember numbers and decreases in numbers. I remind them that when the numbers go up or the disapointment increases that they have failed me and everyone else and it must be fixed fast. Things like purging cutting and fasting are my specialty. If you disapoint someone you deserve to feel the pain. If you make those numbers increase you must imediately purge and fast to make them decrease again. But this is not bad. It doesnt make you unhappy. I often validate and liberate your existance. I help to determine you into perfection. I help you to achieve you goals cause this is what you want.

We talked about it afterwards and it went pretty well. I made it seem to her like i wanted to change that part so that she wouldnt push me into more treatment.

Well I got to go I need to RUN!!!!!!

<3 Kelly

So proud!

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 02:18:35 GMT

I made it through today eating less then 30 calories! I did this by my decision to freeze a danon non fat strawberry yogurt. I decided that was all I would eat all day but when it came down to eating it it was to hard to get peices out cause it was frozen that I didnt even end up eating half of it. I started the ABC diet today and I deffinately made it through day one cause i was allowed 500 calories and only ate like... 30 or less. 49 more days left to go I am so pumped. The fasting days are going to be the hardest for me. I guess I will just have to pack up on my sugar free noncaloric gum for those days. Any one who wants to be my buddy is more then welcome cause Its going to be hard for me to follow this for the full 50 days but with a buddy i can do it! Well I am heading to bed soon cause I am beat from running and dancing and crunches and push ups and I might finally be able to sleep cause my insomnia might not even be able to beat this length of tired.

<3 Kelly
Nothing Tastes as Good as Thin Is Gonna Feel!!!!!!!!!!

Reverse Thinspo how is it supposed to work?

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 21:37:54 GMT

My belief is that reverse thinspirationis supposed to have both a short and long term affect on most viewers. Most people who look at reverse thinspiration videos or pictures have an eating disorder or eating disordered tendencies such as myself so this is the percpective of someone with an eating disorder.
Short term the reverse thispiration is supposed to make you completely and utterly grossed out and appalled by how fat the people are in these videos. If there of food its normally of food with a fat person next to it or food that looks gross or has a caption that makes you just completely want to go to your nearest toilet medicine cabinet or gym and purge all that food out of your body or to defer you from eating it. Most reverse thinspirations will not glamorize food(not that i believe that you can do that anyways) in other words it will not have a "delicious" looking dessert without having something to make you not want to eat it. Short term reverse thinspiration is to make you realize how that food makes those people fat and how there fat rolls are NOT something you want. Honestly who wants to look at a person where there stomach hangs down to there crotch they have 10 chins there legs have fat covering them you cant see there ankles or knees there arms are about the size of an average persons entire body and there ROLLS even have rolls? The answer is no one or if they do they are probably the person in that picture cause honeslty I dont believe how anyone can have FAT PRIDE! Its wrong. They are obese and the fact that they can fit into a normal seat or cant be in a car without the window down cause there sweating and your freezing in the 10 degree temperature is not only costing the economy but it is bothering you too(although being cold does burn more calories.... hmm need to think about that one... i guess the fatso can leave his window down sometimes... by the way the window story is actually true on my bus. there is this kid that ways like 400 pounds and has to have a seat all to himself cause not even a baby would fit next to him and he has to keep his window down otherwise he starts smelling and stinks us up...) But back to me story. So basically the short term wanted affect is to make you avoid that food for as long as possible.

Now for the long term effect. Most people associate things to something else. Certain smells, sounds, and sights to different things. These associations are brought upon us during our lifetime... either intentionally or not. People associate fire with things such as heat... burning... most times as something bad. People associate snow with things like winter and cold. Water with summer or drinks. Reverse thinspiration is trying to get you too associate food to fat and becoming fat. Basically it is saying see that hamburger that is trying to make its self somehow look apatizing well now look at your stomach and imagine a huge blob of disgustingness there cause that is where i will be if you eat this. It is getting you to associate fat people with food. That person I was talking about with the ten chins and the stomach for a vagina... well she ate that hamburger and look at her. Its trying to get you to remember that eating that will turn you into that. And the best part for us is it works. In america small children look at mcdonalds and associate it with a happy ronald who gives you toys and yummy food. But in the country of eating disorders we will associate MdDonalds as well as any other fast food place with that 10 chin stomach for a vagina no leg person. I honestly believe that america would not have an obesity problem if McDonalds showed the amount of fat in there meals as the amount of fat it puts into your body. If on the commercials the people representing it were the people who actually eat there and not models that probably have the same associations to McDonalds as I do maybe the little kid whose parents always brought him there wouldnt be worrying about diabetes and obesity at the tender age of 5. Reverse thinspiration is a way to get you to associate food with fatness forever.

You want to avoid eating a meal tonight(I am only asking it to those that already have an ED not those trying to get one)? Then watch some reverse thinspiration videos on you tube. Not only will it start the inevitable food association wonder it will give you the imediate result of remembering how gross those fat people are and how gross that food really is.

Another day.

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 20:25:17 GMT

So far today I havent eaten anything but last night i noticed the yougurt we have is nonfat and has no calories so i put 3 in the freezer and I think i might get one and eat half of it soon and the other half for dinner when people are around. I did however drink lots of water again today. I didnt have my therapy appointment because i couldnt make it but i did meet with Linda. Shes not very happy about my eating habits but she isnt going to say anything because i am still at a healthy weight and still have awhile to go before i am not. I am pretty proud of myself today I havent let the headaches or the dizziness get to me. I also remembered to keep cold and keep moving cause it burns more calories... One thing i did noticed though is the less I eat the more hiccups and burping i get and the more nauseous too (not that i am complaining about the nausea as it gives me an excuse not to eat) but i need to find away to keep the acid down with out calories. I know too take antacids but is there any other way too? So stats are the same as yesterday but I will post them anyways...

CW:151.5
HW:185
LW: 115
GW1: 140
GW2: 125
GW3: 115
UGW:105 or less

Food today...
Planning on eating 60 calorie nonfat yogurt...

Day whatever....

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 23:44:00 GMT

Ok today i ate...
1 mini bagel at 130 calories and about 1.5 servings of boneless skinless chicken strips by tyson at about 150 calories. I had probably 4 bottles worth of water and thats about it... But i feel like I ate WAY to much. I shouldnt have eaten that much chicken. I feel really bloated and like crap. I am going to go work out but I really want to purge like REALLY bad. I probably could easily too cause i feel nauseous. I just dont know what to do. I know I shouldnt feel this bad about it but after yesterday and only having one breadstick i just felt like i was gaining some control. I know if anyone were to read this that new me they would be very upset. I want to eat and I want to be healthy but i am not sure i can do or want to do it now. Recovery is hard and I dont want to do it alone. I wish I hadnt ruined my relationship with matt cause i probably could have recovered if i had him to push me to eat. I know i cant rely on someone else but I just need that person who keeps the extra eye on me. I also need someone who can hold me and tell me it will be ok when i am feeling down. I just feel like I have no one. My parents are out of the picture as they kicked me out of the house and I have little to no friends after the break up. I guess I could have skylar there for me if I trusted enough but I also just dont think I am ready. I tried recovery once it didnt work and thats why i am here again. So i guess my decision for now is to get down to my goal weight and then work on keeping it there healthily. But for now i am happy i am in control and i am loosing weight.